I’ve taken a vow of poverty.
To annoy me, send money.
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Accuracy is very important when submitting your tax return. The IRS returned a tax return submitted by a New York City man, implying that he answered one of the questions incorrectly.
“In response to the question, ‘List your dependents,’ you wrote, ‘12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and those who call themselves Politicians.’ This is unacceptable.”
The man replied back, “I’m sure sorry about that. Who did I leave out?”
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Quotable
My coworker (and TIDBITS reader) Jason told me this the other day:
“The next time I go to McDonald’s, I’m just going to slap a $10 bill on the counter and say, ‘Surprise me! I never get what I order anyway!'”
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Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two-to-a-room, but no one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. One of the other two asked, “Man, what happened to you?”
He replied, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning the same thing happened again, with him showing up for breakfast with his hair standing up, his eyes all bloodshot.
One of the other two asked, “What happened to you? You look awful!”
He said, “Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.”
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player — a regular man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said.
The other two couldn’t believe it — he looked rested and wide awake. One asked, “Man, what happened?”
He smiled and replied, “Well, we got ready for bed. Then I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night on the forehead. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.”
A lawyer met with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
“To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,” the attorney read.
“To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.”
“And finally,” the lawyer concluded, “to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!”
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True Story of a Non-Technically Inclined Person:
“My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, ‘Look, I’m not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?'”
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The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, “That’s a sheep!”
“That’s right!” said the teacher. “How about this one?” she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.
“That’s a lion!” answered a little boy.
“Right!” said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. “What does your mother call your father?”
Johnny said, “I know! That’s a lazy old goat!”
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A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, “These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.
“Spell a word,” St. Peter replied.
“What word?” she asked.
“Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.”
The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E.”
St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?”
“Not yet,” she replied, “You must spell a word first.”
“What word?” he asked.
The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”