MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5.
I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
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The caterer was consulting with a woman about throwing a birthday party for her 72-year-old husband.
“Is it a surprise?” the caterer asked.
“Oh, no,” answered the woman. “My husband knows he’s going to be 72.”
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Tammy and Ann were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, Tammy said, “Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
“Why don’t you just leave him then ?” said Ann.
“Oh, not yet!” Tammy replied, “I’d like to drop at least another ten to fifteen pounds first.”
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There once was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”
Well, everyone liked him so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would tell him that they had “fallen.”
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died a while later at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived he approached the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, “You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about — your wife fell three times last week!”
Quotable
“When I went to college, my parents threw a going-away party for me, according to the letter.” – Emo Philips
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A Smith & Wesson always beats four aces.
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After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy’s ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!”
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Tough Puppy
A highly timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “That’d be my dog. Why?”
“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”
“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What kind of dog do you have?”
“Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a four week old puppy.”
“How could your puppy kill my Doberman?” roared the biker.
“It appears that he choked on it, sir.”