Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
But push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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A woman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “I’m Mrs. Smith and I’m looking for my husband,” she announced.
“We have a lot of Smiths,” the saint replied. “Could you be more specific?”
“Well, he said that if I were ever untrue to him he’d turn in his grave!”
“Oh, you’re looking for ‘Pinwheel’ Smith,” said St. Peter.
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Feeling edgy, a woman took a hot bath. Just as she got comfortable, the doorbell rang. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, and went to the door.
A salesman wanted to know if she needed any brushes. She slammed the door in his face and returned to her bath.
The doorbell rang again. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, slipped on a wet spot, and hit her back against the tub.
After dismissing a second salesman, she struggled into her street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining her, the doctor said, “Nothing’s broken. But you need to relax. Why don’t you just go home and take a nice hot bath?”
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A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: “Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?”
The big woman replies: “Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I’m blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I’m a professional athlete and bodybuilder.
“Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler.
“And next to her is a blonde who is 6’5”, weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kick-boxer.
“Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”
The guy thinks about it a second and says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room really got quiet. Finally, a not-so-bright man in the middle of the group mustered the nerve to raise his hand.
“Yes?” asked the teacher.
“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
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“I got two orders today,” declared the new salesman.
“Splendid,” said the boss. “What were they?”
“One was ‘Get out,’ and the other was ‘Stay out.'”
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A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said “In Deepest Sympathy for Your Loss.”
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain about the obvious mistake.
The florist replied, “Sir, I’m very sorry for the mistake, and I understand your anger, but at least be glad you aren’t the other party in the mix-up.”
“Oh?” the man asked.
“Yes,” the florist replied, “Right now there is a funeral taking place, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.'”
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The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”