I’ve always wanted the world to beat a path to my door, and now it does!
But only when I’m in the bathroom.
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Husband: “Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!”
Wife: “Okay, but if you get home before I do, please leave the hallway light on.”
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Quotable
“I learned nothing in college.
“It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology.” – B.J. Novak
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One evening Bernard, an avid bird watcher, stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he’d give a hoot back.
To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.
All summer, Bernard and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversations.”
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife Louise, had a chat with her next door neighbor.
“My husband spends his nights calling to owls,” Louise commented.
“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband….”
Stupid People Stories
LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.
IN THE BAG
A “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn’t know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did — backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
MADE FOR TV
Guns for Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9,600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
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Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
“Boss,” he said, “the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!”
“That’s all fine,” said the boss, “but where were you yesterday?”
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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This being her first pregnancy, the doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”
The doctor answers, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy, and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”
“I know, but can’t you give me at least some idea?” she asks.
“Okay,” he replies. “Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little.”
“Like this?”
“A little more.”
“Like this?”
“No. A little more.”
“Like this?”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head!”
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Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, “Ya know, Mahtha, I’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.”
And every year, Martha would say “I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs — and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”
So one year Stumpy says, “By Jeebers, Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old, and if I don’t go this time I may nevah go.”
Martha replies, “Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs — and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”
So the pilot overhears them and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, then I won’t charge you. But just one word and it’s ten dollars.”
They agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no sound, so he lands.
As they come to a stop, the pilot turns to Stumpy and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn’t.”
And Stumpy replies “Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out — but ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”