Always give one-hundred percent at everything you do.
Unless, of course, you are donating blood.
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: “Yeah, right.”
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Editor’s Note: Just a reminder that our regular TIDBITS issues are supplemented twice a week by the TIDBITS Bonus mailings.
While the Bonus mailings are not posted on my website like these regular issues are, I do share them on social media, like Twitter. You can also check out recent installments of both TIDBITS and TIDBITS Bonus in the TIDBITS Archive located HERE.
To receive TIDBITS Bonus in your email, you must subscribe to TIDBITS, then request that I add you to the segment of the list that also receives the Bonus mailings. (Important note: If you hit the “unsubscribe” button on a TIDBITS Bonus mailing, it removes you from the main TIDBITS list too, so please always request to be added to or removed from the Bonus mailings.)
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Church Bulletin Bloopers
“A worm welcome to all who have come today.”
“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.”
“Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.”
“Applications are now being accepted for 2-year-old nursery workers.”
“If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.”
“Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.”
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Mike, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“Okay,” his friend agreed. Then he asked, “And what do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS. Write on the envelope, ‘Now you have it all!'”
While watching a football game, two friends are talking during a commercial. One guy remarks, “My wife said I put football before our marriage.”
His friend replies, “Oh, I’m sure she’s exaggerating.”
The first guy says, “I think so too. After all, I just took her out for a really nice dinner in celebration of our third season together!”
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It said on the news yesterday that you should check on your neighbors during this extra cold spell.
Well, so much for that! My 87-year-old neighbor hasn’t been by to check on me once!
In fact, the lazy old biddy hasn’t even taken her milk in for three days!
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Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mom that today in class they had learned how to make babies.
The mother, rather shaken by the development, immediately called Susie’s teacher.
After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, “Did you ask her to explain how it is done?”
“No, of course not!” said the mother.
“Then ask her and call me back,” replied the teacher.
“So how do you make babies?” the mother asked her daughter.
“It’s really easy, mom,” Susie responded. “You drop the ‘y’ and add ‘ies.'”
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True Stories from Tech Support
[Editor: These are classics from well over a decade ago. Let’s hope folks are just a bit more computer savvy these days!]
Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
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Tech Support: “All right… now double-click on the File Manager Icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows… because of the icons. I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to—”
Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms.’ I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well… why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet… is ‘little picture’ okay?”
Customer: [click]
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Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”
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Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
(Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.)
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.”’
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”
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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”
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Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse pad, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
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The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.”
The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
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Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh… uh… uh… yeah.”
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Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
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Tech Support: “Okay, Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
“Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”