Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out!
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In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won’t understand what we’re saying. I didn’t realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle.
An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, “Boy is she r-u-d-e!”
“Yeah,” he replied, “but I’ll bet she can s-p-e-l-l.”
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Warning Signs that You Might Need a Different Lawyer
- Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
- When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
- Your lawyer picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
- Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
- A prison guard is shaving your head.
TIDBITS reader Nathan Cunningham showed me his hobby of creating comic strips from LEGO® blocks. I asked if I might share some of these cartoons with readers from time to time and he graciously consented.
Nathan blogs both words and pictures under the name Sly Pig (“cunning ham” — get it?) on Blogspot. Check out more of his work here: http://sly-pig.blogspot.com or click the image to be taken directly to his Warped Plastic series.
One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
“To save lives.” the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So, how does physics save lives?” he persisted.
“It keeps the idiots out of medical school,” replied the professor.
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To err is human.
To forgive… highly unlikely!
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A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried down to the course and played very fast, he could probably get in nine holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man, saying that he preferred not to golf alone.
Knowing it would be impolite to say no, the younger man allowed the older one to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
They eventually reached the ninth fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between him and the green.
After several minutes of watching the young man debating the best way to hit the shot, the old man finally spoke up, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With the challenge placed before him, the young man swung as hard as he could and hit the ball. Up, up, it went — and smacked right into the top of the tree. The ball landed with a thud back on the ground, only a few feet from its original position.
The old man nodded and offered one more comment: “Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall.”
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YOUNGSTERISMS
Real-Life Quotables from Kids
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. “I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
