“I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off,” the blonde told her friend.
“So I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.”
______
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it.
The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, “What now?”
The boy answered, “Now we run like crazy!”
______
You’re not a kid anymore when:
- You enjoy watching the news.
- You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
- You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
- The phone rings and you hope it’s NOT for you.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn’t breaking any laws.
- You start singing along with the elevator music.
- You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
- The only reason you’re still awake at 4:00 am is indigestion.
- People ask what color your hair USED to be.
- You’re proud of your lawnmower!
- You point out what buildings used to be where.
- You routinely check the oil in your car.
- You’ve owned clothes so long that they’ve come back into style. TWICE.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- 8:00 AM is your idea of “sleeping in.”
- Neighbors borrow your tools.
- Others ask for your recipes.
- You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
- You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
- You wear socks with sandals.
______
A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini.
The barman says to him, “I’ll bring you martinis all night, but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill?”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me; she was Googling my name last night on her computer.
I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
______
Tom was so excited about his promotion to vice president of the company he worked for that he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Look, Honey, it’s nice but it really doesn’t mean that much. They even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”
“Really?” he asked.
Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answered and Tom inquired, “May I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”
The clerk responded, “Canned or frozen?”
______
Junior had just received his brand new driver’s license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his ol’ man.
“Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me for sixteen years.”
______
Actual Police Quotes
“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
“Life’s tough. It’s tougher if you’re stupid.”
“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
“Just how big were those two beers?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYgCB97wOhY