Don’t underestimate me. I know karate!
(I also know three other Japanese words.)
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“I couldn’t afford to buy a house, so I decided to rob a bank,” one inmate said to another. “Now I’m all set.”
“You have the money stashed somewhere?” the other asked.
“Not exactly,” came the reply, “but the judge assured me that I wouldn’t have to worry about housing for the next 10 to 15 years.”
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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner storms back to the bar in anger. “Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the ducks former owner. “Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
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Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband’s extreme dedication to his new job, after having been jobless for quite a while.
“I appreciate the fact that at last he’s found a new job,” she tells her friends, “but I don’t like it when he brings his work home and finishes it on the dining rooom table.”
“Why, what’s his new job?” asks one friend.
Rita replies, “He’s an embalmer.”
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, our state’s Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
They advise that outdoorsmen should wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.
They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.
Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
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Quotable:
“With our first child, I must admit I wasn’t prepared for the sticker shock. My wife did all the work, but the hospital still charged us $5,000. I couldn’t afford that, so we had to put our daughter on layaway.” – Robert G. Lee
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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night with some friends. On one turn she rolled the dice and landed on “Science & Nature.”
A fellow player picked a card and read her this question: “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought quite a while, then then asked, “Is it on or off?”
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A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m a software engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
