It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
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Quotable
“My grandfather always said, ‘Don’t watch your money; watch your health.’
“So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
“It was my grandfather.” – Jackie Mason
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An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, “Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes.”
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, “I’m feeling a might thirsty, I think I’ll be wishing for a pint of stout.”
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and gets ready to throw the bottle, when the genie says, “I’d look at that bottle again before I throw it if I were you.”
So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, “That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it.”
The genie then asked, “What other two wishes can I grant for you?”
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, “I’ll be taking two more of these!”
A beautiful young blonde model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “Okay, thank you.” She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He smiled as he replied, “Simple. I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
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A pig, a cow and a chicken walk into a Bar-B-Que joint. The end.
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A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, the wife notices a tear in her husband’s eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating fifty wonderful years together.
He replies, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for fifty years if I didn’t marry you.”
He lets out a big sigh and continues, “And tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!”
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A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
“That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”
