A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
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I had just started eating my main course at the animal rights barbecue when it occurred to me that something didn’t seem quite right.
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Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.
One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.
After a while, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?”
The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, “Okay, I guess so…”
“Why are you standing here all alone?” asked Kathy.
“Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”
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You Know You Are No Longer a Kid When…
- Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t do it anymore.
- Driving a car doesn’t always sound like fun.
- Being bad is no longer cool.
- You have friends who have kids.
- Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald’s Playland.
- You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, ’cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
- You WANT clothes for Christmas.
- Naps are good.
- Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
- Your parents’ jokes are now funny.
- When you know that the machines in gas station bathrooms don’t dispense balloons.
- When things go wrong, you can’t just yell, “Do‑over!”
- Playboy’s Playmate of the month is younger than you.
- The only thing in your cereal box is… cereal.
- You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
- Your idea of fun parties now includes chips and salsa.
- You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
- You don’t want a sports car because of the insurance premiums.
- You read the “if you were born on this day in the year ____ you are of legal age to buy alcohol” sign at the liquor store and recall attending a high school dance on that date.
- You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
Quotable:
“If you cannot convince them, confuse them.” – Harry S. Truman
“Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.” – George Bernard Shaw
“Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.” – Phyllis Diller
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The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said, “We’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.”
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An elderly man was driving with a broken taillight and was stopped by a policeman. The officer remarked, “It’s after 2:00 in the morning. Can I ask where you are going at this time of night?”
The man replied, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asked, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replied, “That would be my wife.”
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Today’s Golf Jokes
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
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Bonus Golf Joke:
A man walked into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball… stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to the wife, ‘This one looks like yours, honey!'”