Don’t let aging get you down.
(It’s too hard to get back up!)
______
I’m getting into swing dancing.
Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging now.
______
“What happened?” asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
“Well, I went down to the State Fair and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out.
“I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said.
“By now, I was determined to read that sign, so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.”
“And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?” asked the visitor.
“Yes,” he replied sheepishly. “It said, ‘Remain seated at all times!'”
______
A man wandered into a doctor’s office and asked if could see the doctor. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was the end of the day and they were about to close the office.
The man, however, was very insistent, so she went to the doctor and asked if he could fit him in. The doctor was feeling in a generous mood, having just completed all his consultations for the day, so he agreed to see the man.
The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.
“How can I help you?” asked the doctor.
“Well, it’s like this,” said the man, “I keep thinking I’m a moth.”
“A moth?”
“Yes,” the man replied. “I’m convinced that I’m a moth.”
“Well I’m very sorry, but you’re in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist.”
“That’s what I’ve been thinking,” replied the man.
“Well, as it happens, I know just the person you should see,” said the doctor. “I’ll give him a call and see if he can set an appointment for you later this week.”
The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment.
“Tell me,” asked the doctor, “it must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I’m a general practitioner. So if you already knew you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?”
“Well,” the man said in a resigned voice, “the door was open and the lights were on….”
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The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
“Can’t you see, Ben,” intoned the parson, “that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?”
“Well, I sort of disagree there,” replied the backslider. “It makes me miss the folks I shoot at.”
______
Americans are getting stronger.
Don’t believe me? Well, twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries.
Today, a five-year-old can do it.
______
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital. All of a sudden, his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bedside.
He asked his brother how his wife was. His brother replied, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But, the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed. Since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”
The husband was thinking to himself, Oh no, what has he done now? and said, “Well what did you name them?”
The brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband said, “That’s a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?”
The brother replied, “Denephew.”
______
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works. Even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife doesn’t believe him, and the next day checks the phone book. She finds a place across town called the Golden Saloon and calls the number to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender picks up the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.”
“Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!”
