I’d love to attend the assertiveness training, but I’d better check with my wife first.
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The good-natured boss was finally compelled to call Sam into his office.
“It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out, “that every time there’s a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor.”
“You know… you’re right, sir,” exclaimed Smith, “I didn’t realize it. You don’t suppose she’s faking, do you?”
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Merry Christmas everyone!
Even though this is going out on Christmas Eve, many of our subscribers won’t see it until they get back in the office after the holidays. That’s why I sent out the official TIDBITS 2017 Christmas Special last week, so everyone would hopefully have a chance to enjoy it.
Nevertheless, for the sake of those readers who open this before Christmas Day is over, I’m including a couple bonus holiday music videos, with the hope that I can bring just a little more joy to your season.
Happy Holidays!
Your Holly Jolly Editor
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Reader Comments
I saw an old classmate pop up on my subscribers list a couple of weeks ago (although, with as many gray hairs as I’m personally sporting these days, perhaps “former classmate” would be the more polite term). I’m assuming he found TIDBITS through my weekly Facebook posts of each issue. Upon seeing him on the list, I sent him a brief welcome note. This was his response:
“Trent, I absolutely love it. It is a gift you have had since a boy. Hopefully it never stops. Thanks for letting me subscribe.”
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A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 in the morning, the wife (who happened to be blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here?” and hung up.
The husband asked, “Who was that?”
The wife replied, “I have no idea. It was some young woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear.'”
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Top Oxymorons
An “Oxymoron” is a set of two or more successive words which contradict each other.
- Act naturally
- Found missing
- Resident alien
- Genuine imitation
- Airline food
- Jumbo shrimp
- Good grief
- Same difference
- Almost exactly
- Sanitary landfill
- Alone together
- Legally drunk
- Small crowd
- Business ethics
- Soft rock
- Butt head
- Military intelligence
- New classic
- Sweet sorrow
- Child-proof
- “Now, then…”
- Taped live
- Clearly misunderstood
- Peace force
- Computer jock
- Plastic glasses
- Terribly pleased
- Political science
- Tight slacks
- Definite maybe
- Working vacation
- Exact estimate
- Religious tolerance
- Pretty ugly
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, “What’s that?”
The doctor explained, “This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know a thing.”
“Save your time, Doc,” exclaimed the man. “He don’t know nothing now.”
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Today’s Golf Jokes
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly — or start cheating.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice — once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
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A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” replies the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” says the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
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John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.
John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”
Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”
So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.”
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Jessica, shut your mouth!”
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”
Jessica replied, “Only when he’s drunk.”
