My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man replied, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
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Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
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In honor of my wife’s visit to our dentist yesterday (and especially since he’s one of my most loyal readers), I present this piece that was previously used a few years ago in a different humor mailing of mine.
The Top 20 Worst Things Any Dentist Could Say…
- Oops!
- You know, I always find it hard to break this kind of news to a patient, but…
- Uh‑oh…
- We’re out of Novocain? Bummer. Well, I’ll just do it anyway…
- Remember, it could be worse…
- This part looks better here.
- I hate it when that happens.
- They never told us about this in school.
- Marge, go ahead and call the travel agent for that world tour package.
- Darn, lost a contact lens again.
- I have NEVER seen one of those before!
- License? We’re supposed to have a license?
- License? I don’t need no stinking license.
- Bill, do you think he’ll be O.K. without this?
- Are your health and life insurance policies paid up?
- Oh nurse, would you bring me 100 cc’s of adrenaline in the syringe with the six inch needle on it?
- Good – you’ve regained consciousness. Oh, by the way, this is my lawyer, Mr. Cheatum and this is the adjuster from my insurance company, Mr. Larceny, and we’ve got some papers we’d like you to sign.
- You’ve maxed out your credit cards? Uh‑oh, we may have a problem here….
- Sssshhhh! He’s waking up!
- This won’t hurt a bit…
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are three million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” responds the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
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True Facts: McDonald’s
There is a McDonald’s in every continent except Antarctica.
If you live in the continental U.S., you are never more than 115 miles from a McDonald’s outlet (that’s 185 km for you non-US readers).
Despite popular belief, McDonald’s is not the first fast-food restaurant (though they did innovate the assembly line system of quickly putting together burgers in 1948). Nearly two decades before the McDonald brothers opened their original restaurant in 1940 that would eventually grow into a worldwide brand, White Castle opened their chain, helping to change the public’s previously negative perception towards hamburgers.
Learn more
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A man tells his friend, “My wife’s credit card got stolen last week.”
“That’s a shame,” replies the friend. “Have you told the police?”
“Not a chance,” exclaims the man. “The thief is spending less than she did!”
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Missing Person Case – Cajun Style
The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident near Marsh Island, Louisiana, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Wildlife and Fisheries agents.
“We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the agents.
“Tell me! Did you find her?”
The agents looked at each other. Finally, one said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, the husband said “Give me the bad news first.”
The second agent said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Oh my Heavens!” exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
The agent continued, “When we pulled her up, she had six twenty-five pound blue claw crabs and four dozen good-size crawfish clinging to her.”
Stunned, the husband demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”
The agent answered, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”