Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
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‘Tis better to keep quiet and be thought a fool,
than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
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Editor’s Note: Readers of my other weekly humor newsletter may notice some repetition of jokes beginning in this issue (though I think I may have accidentally done so previously). Since TIDBITS goes out to a larger audience, it makes sense to reuse much of this material, especially since it includes some of the best humor that I’ve ever come across.
I will use the earliest material first, so there will be a nearly four-year gap since those readers saw the jokes for the first time. Hopefully that will be a long enough period that they aren’t too annoyed, plus I will try to make sure I include fresh humor in every issue as well. (Some of the material used in that other mailing had originally appeared in the first run of TIDBITS over a decade ago, so apologies to any really longtime readers who may be seeing a few items for the third time around.)
Also, beginning in this issue, I will no longer include a regular video feature, though it will become an occasional bonus one. If you find yourself needing a good (clean) comedy fix, I recommend Studio C, and for a musical one, the Piano Guys always deliver.
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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “She’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My Heavens!” says the wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long.”
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Teaching Math through the Decades
In 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price. What is his profit?
In 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
In 1970 (new math):
A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.00. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set p of profits?
In 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.
In 1990 (outcome-based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)
In the 21st Century:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Today’s Golf Jokes
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
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Some young children were at day care one day when one of the little girls approached a little boy and said, “Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?”
“Sure! What do you want me to do?” he asked.
The little girl replied, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”
“Communicate my feelings?” questioned a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl smirked and said, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”
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QUOTABLE:
“I really hate the way I found out about my parents’ divorce. What happened was, my mom took me out for ice cream, and she sat me down, she said, Michael, I’m leaving your father, I’m going off to marry another man, and I’m pregnant. And that was really messed up, cause that should have been three different trips to get ice cream. – Mike Lawrence
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An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young priest’s thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.”
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, “Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it, do you?” The priest said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write him a letter just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from the house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: “Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”