If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip!
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I hope the kids never figure out why I say “Oooops!” so often when I vacuum their rooms.
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“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Control freak. Now you say, ‘Control freak who?'”
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An angry wife to her husband on phone: “Where the hell are you?”
Husband: “Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”
Wife, with a smile and blushing: “Yeah I remember that my love!”
Husband: “I’m in the bar just next to that shop.”
FEATURED VIDEO
QUOTABLE: ABOUT LAUGHTER
“We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.” – Joseph Heller
“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.” – Woody Allen
“Laughter is the best medicine — unless you’re diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.” – Jasper Carrott
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An employee for a book publisher was conducting a market survey and asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “That would be my husband’s check book.”
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A local priest and a minister were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the minister, “You think maybe we should have just put ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Tennessee. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
”I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general. And all in the name of humor!”
Embarrassed now, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ”You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
