When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot.
That way people will visit more often.
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Have you heard about the new Korean cookbook?
It’s called, “101 Ways to WOK Your Dog.”
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Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.
The women were arguing noisily even in the court.
The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them said, “We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can’t listen to all of you at once. I’ll hear the oldest first.”
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
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Here’s a great exercise I discovered that you may want to try yourselves.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your armsstraight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try toreach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can holdthis position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks. Then try 50-pound potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a fullminute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, try it with a potato in each of the sacks.
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TODAY’S THOUGHTS
[Editor: We haven’t included inspirational thoughts in a while — mostly because they aren’t funny — but I’m going to try to get back to doing them more often, probably in groups of three, like today. Gotta have a little uplift with all the chuckles, after all.]
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission.” – Anonymous
“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life — think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success.” – Swami Vivekananda
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Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
“I’m about to close,” the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon’s hand and says, “I’m not going to let you do that! I’ll close my own incision!”
The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, “Suture self.”
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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death!”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
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An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I was finished with my very first case in court.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
