I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.
______
Love is staying up all night with a sick child… or a healthy adult!
______
A new bride was a bit embarrassed at the thought of being identified as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, “Sure. You carry the suitcases!”
______
[This is the final of eight installments of this series that appeared during the original run of TIDBITS. This one appeared in the issue sent out on January 14th, 2002.]
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
“I recycle.”
Really means….
“We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”
“Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”
Really means….
“Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”
“It sure snowed last night.”
Really means….
“I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”
“It’s good beer.”
Really means….
“It was on sale.”
“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
Really means….
“I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”
“I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.”
Really means….
“If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”
“I broke up with her.”
Really means….
“She dumped me.”
“I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”
Really means….
“Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”
FEATURED VIDEO
TRUE FACTS
An octopus has three hearts.
Learn more
Cleopatra lived closer in time to the invention of the iPhone than she did to the building of the Great Pyramid.
Learn more
______
A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!”
The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
______
QUOTABLE
“It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.” – Mark Twain
“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.” – W.C. Fields
“I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. — not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. And I’m in my car, and he gets out — he’s sweating, he’s got these little shorts on. ‘You know how fast you were going?’ ‘Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.'” – Damon Wayans
Watch Damon tell the story
______
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend sadly, “nothing!”
