I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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Interviewer: “What is your greatest strength?”
Applicant: “I quickly and decisively make decisions when under pressure.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
Applicant: “I make awful decisions.”
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A teenager brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. Both were appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, and his piercings, but didn’t say anything in front of him.
Later, the girl’s mom said to her, “Dear, I’m afraid that I have to point out that he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, Mom!” replied the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
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Two nuns were doing their grocery shopping when they passed a cooler full of beer. One nun stopped to look at it for a moment, then said wistfully to the other nun, “A cold beer would go down great tonight!”
“Indeed,” the other nun replied, “but how can we show up with beer at the check-out counter?”
“Don’t worry, I have a plan,” the first nun answered. “Grab a six-pack.”
The cashier looked up as the nuns approached and was surprised when he saw the beer.
Seeing the look on his face, the first nun was ready with an explanation. “We use the beer to wash our hair,” she said. “At the convent we call it ‘Catholic shampoo.'”
Without hesitation, the cashier grabbed a nearby package of pretzels and threw it in one of the groceries bags. He smiled and said to the nuns, “The curlers are on the house.”
FEATURED VIDEO
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment — shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. — he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m goin’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, kid, we’re gonna get a free haircut!'”
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After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her.
“Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” she replied. “I don’t care who left it to you.”
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Two blonde engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by the men and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.
One blonde engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length.”
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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel.
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay — I didn’t even have breakfast!”
The clerk told her that $250.00 was the “standard rate,” and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and, having been forewarned by the desk clerk, announced, “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”
“But I didn’t use them.”
“Well, they are here, and you could have.”
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here.”
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she protested.
“Well, we have them, and you could have,” was the reply.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she responded with, “But I didn’t use it!” Each time the manager countered with his standard answer.
After several minutes of this, the lady sighed and told the manager that she was done fighting over it. She pulled out her checkbook and began to fill out a check. The manager felt quite pleased with himself for having won the argument.
His smug smile disappeared, however, when he took the check from her and looked at it. “But Madam, this check is for only $50.00.”
“That’s correct,” she replied. “I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me.”
“But I didn’t sleep with you!” exclaimed manager.
“Well, that’s too bad. I was here, and you could have!”
