Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
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I may be in trouble. I recently visited a local haunted house, and I got scared half to death… twice!
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Quotable:
“If you don’t mind smelling like peanut butter for two or three days, peanut butter is darn good shaving cream.” – Barry Goldwater, former U.S. senator
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Reader M submitted the following joke:
One night, a couple of years ago, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged onto the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn’t know Joseph that well, don’t even remember where he was from, but let’s just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they’d bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
I finally came to the following conclusion: if it hadn’t been for cotton-eye Joe, I’d have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton-eye Joe?
PHOTO-CARTOON OF THE WEEK
<Click Image to Enlarge>
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only, like Smith, Jones, and Baker. In turn, I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is….”
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I had a dream where I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
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You can never lose a homing pigeon.
If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
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[Recently, in issue #1017, I ran a piece originally presented in TIDBITS over 15 years ago entitled “What Men Really Mean.” I randomly look through those old issues from yesteryear to mine little gems that I can present again to a (nearly) brand-new audience today. What I had forgotten was that when I first encountered the piece it was a huge list, so I broke it out into eight installments that I spread out as a series in TIDBITS between January 3rd through 14th, 2002 (TIDBITS was published five days a week back then). What I actually presented in #1017 was the third installment from the series, and being the completist that I am, I feel I should continue to reprint the rest of those old installments every two or three weeks here in our current run, just so no one misses out. Here, then, is the first installment from that series.]
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means…
“Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“I’m going fishing.”
Really means…
“I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while
the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“Let’s take your car.”
Really means…
“Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and
completely out of gas.”
“Woman driver.”
Really means…
“Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make
obscene gestures and has a better driving record
than me.”
“I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”
Really means…
“As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow,
lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any
other color besides white.”
“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means…
“There is no rational thought pattern connected with
it, and you have no chance at all of making it
logical.”
“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really mean…
Absolutely nothing. They’re conditioned responses,
like Pavlov’s dog drooling.
FEATURED VIDEOS
Okay, this isn’t a funny video, but it certainly is an interesting one: