“I am going bananas!”
That’s what I say to my bananas each morning before I leave the house.
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It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!
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Today’s Thought:
“Gratitude helps you to grow and expand; gratitude brings joy and laughter into your life and into the lives of all those around you.” – Eileen Caddy
[Editor: And I, for one, am grateful to all of you who subscribe to this silly littlle humor mailing, or otherwise read it online. I couldn’t do it without you!]
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John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get ’em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, as John was getting ready to leave, his grandfather’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John called out to his grandfather, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get to my car.”
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted out the window, “Coldwater, go lay down now! Ya hear me?!”
PHOTO-CARTOON OF THE WEEK
<Click Image to Enlarge>
[This one was featured during the first run of TIDBITS back on July 10th, 2003]
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.
The female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman “What does a driver’s license look like?”
Irritated, the blonde cop said “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!”
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s license!” She handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.”
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This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!
Now read the above without the word “dog” in it.
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If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer bottles rather than milk cartons.
That way my friends will find me faster.
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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt — prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Mary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and calmly asked, “Will I be acquitted?”
FEATURED VIDEOS
It’s always fun when a well-known musician performs in disguise out in public.
Here’s a longer clip showing the same performance:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mda9ms9Xb7I
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In honor of the new season of Game of Thrones, here is a very sad, plaintive song from the series, The Rains of Castamere. This version is performed by the amazing Peter Hollens, who creates all sounds on his solo videos with just the human voice.