A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years and everything has always been, and will always be, shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”
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I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers!
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Quotable:
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.” – Groucho Marx
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Teacher: “If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where on earth do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
PHOTO-CARTOON OF THE WEEK
<Click Image to Enlarge>
This next piece was featured during the original run of TIDBITS in issue #145 in January 2000.
Murphy’s Military Laws
1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
2. Friendly fire ain’t.
3. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
4. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
5. Incoming fire has the right of way.
6. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
7. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
8. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
9. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to ‘occupant.’
10. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
11. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
12. “A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.” – George Patton
13. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
14. It isn’t necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
15. Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
16. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
17. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
18. Artillery adds dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.
19. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
20. A sucking chest wound is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
21. If at first you don’t succeed, call for artillery.
22. When that doesn’t work, call for an air strike.
23. More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action.
24. There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.
25. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
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I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
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Q: What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
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A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”
“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
FEATURED VIDEOS
Here’s something fun:
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What could be better than either a Piano Guys video or a Lindsey Stirling video?
Why one video with them all in it together, of course!