An old man named Sam was a witness in a burglary case.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
The lawyer asked Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”
“Yes, said Sam. “I saw him do it.”
Then the lawyer asked Sam, “Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”
Sam replied, “I can see the moon. How far is that?”
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Simple and delicious tofu recipe:
1) Chuck the tofu.
2) Fry a juicy steak.
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Today’s Thought:
“What we are communicates far more eloquently than anything we say or do. There are people we trust absolutely because we know their character.” – Stephen R. Covey
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A couple rush into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they are prepping the wife, the doctor tells them about a marvelous new invention that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% directed towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
“I can’t feel a thing,” says the husband. His wife smiles at his bravery.
The doctor then turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
“Still nothing,” says the husband. The wife whispers to the doctor, “He’s so wonderful.”
The doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still stoically claims to feel no discomfort, and the wife is really happy, because she is completely pain free.
A beautiful baby boy is born, and the wife is doing so well that the doctor discharges them that day to go home.
When they arrive home, they find the postman curled up on the ground, holding his stomach and groaning in pain.
PHOTO-CARTOON OF THE WEEK
And it only took 150 years…
<Click Image to Enlarge>
[This one was featured in TIDBITS back in June 2002.]
The Parts Man’s Prayer
I work behind the counter
In an automotive store
Sometimes I’m called a genius
Sometimes I’m called much more.
I say that I’m no mechanic
But when their job goes sick
Everyone comes in and asks me
What makes the darn thing tick.
I’m supposed to know the number
Of nuts and bolts and gears
For every auto ever made
For more than forty years.
I’m supposed to have the answer
For everything unknown
To every Tom, Dick and Harry
For all their questions thrown.
My life would be a pleasure
And I’d grin from ear to ear
If only they would tell me
Their Model, Make, and Year!
– Anonymous
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I read the mass chicken farms pump their chickens full of antibiotics.
Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.
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What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slow swimmer.
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A hip young man goes out and buys a brand new Ziggurat 3000. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $2.5 million. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both of which look about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The young man replies, “A Ziggurat 3000. They cost about two and a half million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 230 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?”
“Sure,” replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!”
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 230 mph. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly — whhhoooossshhh! — something whips by him, going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ziggurat 3000?!” the young man asks himself.
Seconds later, looking ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
“Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Ziggurat 3000?!”
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh! Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, “You’re badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man moans and replies, “Yes, could you please unhook my suspenders from your side mirror?!”
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Ah, the great Groucho Marx…
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