[A version of this first one was featured during our first run of TIDBITS and appeared in issue #881 in June 2004. I’ve edited and updated it for use in this issue.]
A woman was walking along a beach when she stumbled over a bottle, knocking the cork out. Out popped a genie. The woman got very excited and said, “Oh goodie! I get three wishes, right?”
“No ma’am,” replied the genie. “Things are really bad in the genie economy, so today you can only get one wish.”
The woman thought for a minute and then pulled out her smart phone and brought up a world map. She said, pointing to the screen, “I would like for you to make peace between all these countries in the Middle East.”
Looking at the map, the genie replied, “Lady, these countries have been fighting for centuries — there is no way I can fix this.”
The woman then said, “Okay, then can you at least get my husband to pay more attention to me during football season, help me with the kids, go to church with me, treat me like a lady and tell me he loves me more often?”
The genie uttered a huge sigh and said, “Lady, show me that freakin’ map again.”
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I’m trying to write some jokes about unemployed people… but they need more work!
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Claimed to be a True Story:
A man walked into a Circle-K in Louisiana, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer was $15.
(Question: If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
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An elderly man in Phoenix called his son in New York and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son asked anxiously.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man replied. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” He then abruptly hung up the phone.
Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded over the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouted, “I’ll take care of this.”
She called Phoenix immediately, and screamed at father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” She then hung up.
The old man hung up his phone and turned to his wife. “Okay,” he said, “They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?”
PHOTO-CARTOON OF THE WEEK
<Click Image to Enlarge>
Editor: I’ve seen versions of this poem say both Montana and Minnesota, so I don’t know which state it was written about initially, but this version is about my home state of Idaho, so it’s the one I’m featuring here. (And it sure is true about Idaho winters!)
It’s winter in Idaho,
And the gentle breezes blow…
Seventy-five miles an hour,
At thirty-five below!
Oh, how I love Idaho,
When the snow’s up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air,
And your nose gets frozen shut!
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I’ll hang around.
I could never leave Idaho…
Because I’m frozen to the ground!!
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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck.
After years of hard work and perseverance, all that has changed!
I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
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An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: “Check for clunking sound when going around corners.”
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a ‘clunk.’ He then made a left turn and again heard a ‘clunk.’
Back at the shop he opened the car’s trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, “Removed bowling ball from trunk.”
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A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly she burst out of the examination room and ran down the hall screaming. Another doctor stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. When she calmed down he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later the second doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
FEATURED VIDEOS
Reader L suggested that I feature some of the videos of OK Go, a band that produces synchronized dance music videos. She sent me a link to one of their earliest videos, with this comment: “My understanding is that all their videos are done in one take, not edited and spliced together, and no special effects added. This is the first one I ever saw and it remains my favorite, but they have many that are fun and worth watching.”
The link she sent was to “Here It Goes Again,” a video showing them dancing between a series of running treadmills. I remember being impressed and passing a copy of it around to people via email back in the day. I present it here as a bonus video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTAAsCNK7RA
For our official “fun” video, however, I have to present one of theirs called “Upside Down & Inside Out,” that I’ve just discovered due L‘s suggestion. This amazing film was shot in an aircraft simulating zero gravity, and it is just amazing:
And, in case anyone thinks that any of that was created by just adding digital effects later, here is a video of how it was made:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnTqZ68fI7Q
Plus, here’s a cool behind the scenes video that goes through the entire song with scenes of them making the video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gsnyqu7xq9c
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One reader made the following comment concerning our last issue: “I really loved Lindsey Stirling video, that was truly amazing!” (Another subscriber commented on the Facebook version of TIDBITS with: “What a great video!” But he didn’t specify which one.)
There are several favorite performers of mine that will have videos featured frequently here in TIDBITS as our “inspirational” video of the week, such as The Piano Guys and Alex Boyé. Another is Lindsey Stirling, and while I don’t usually spotlight the same artist two weeks in a row, I’ve decided to present another one of hers today, one called “Elements.”