Sam went to the doctor to find out about his recent tests.
“It’s really bad, I’m afraid,” said his doctor. “You’ve got a disease so new that it hasn’t even been given a name yet — we just call it ‘Blue 56.’
“The only certain thing,” continued the doctor in hushed tones, “is that you don’t have much more than three days to live.”
The news naturally devastated Sam, who fell into a deep depression. His girlfriend suggested they go to a casino to try to cheer him up just a little before the end.
Sam reluctantly agreed. Arriving at the casino, he walked through the front door, only to be met with flashing lights, blaring horns, and a shower of confetti.
“Congratulations!” shouted the casino owner, approaching them. “You are our one-millionth customer and have just won a brand-new Rolls Royce!”
Still reeling from his grand reception, Sam dropped a coin into a slot machine as he passed and pulled the handle. Suddenly there were more lights and more noise and Sam discovered that he had just won the golden jackpot of $7,000,000.
Since their room wasn’t yet ready, they headed back into the casino and Sam sat down for a rest at the Blackjack table. Playing for a few minutes he won $100,000 with straight 21’s and he couldn’t even be bothered to turn the cards.
Weighed down with money, Sam staggered through the casino, finally throwing it down onto a nearby table — which turned out to be the roulette wheel. The money landed on 22, which promptly came up, making him a winner yet again!
“Jeez,” commented a dealer at an adjacent table, “I’ve never seen luck like this in my whole life!”
“No, you don’t understand,” replied Sam, “I’ve got Blue 56…”
“Woahhhh! Now you’ve also won today’s raffle!!”
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A computer once beat me at chess, but that’s okay — because it certainly wasn’t a match for me at kick boxing!
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Quotable:
Seen on a sign outside a restaurant:
“Today’s Special: Buy one Fish & Chips for the price of two and receive a second Fish & Chips ABSOLUTELY FREE!”
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When the clothing store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged.
Before he could ask about it, the clerk got a big grin on his face and announced, “Guess what, sir? I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had for so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?” the manager asked.
“That’s the one!” came the reply.
“That’s great!” the manager said, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”
PHOTO-CARTOON OF THE WEEK
<Click Image to Enlarge>
My wife gave birth four times and still fits into her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth zero times and I no longer fit into my pants from two weeks ago?!
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A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire and drove right into the middle of the flames before stopping! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
“That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”
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The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything!”
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Jim’s car was swerving all over the road so a cop pulled him over.
“Step out of the car,” said the cop as Jim rolled his window down, “I’m going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”
“I can’t.” Jim replied. “You see, I have very bad asthma, and something like that can set off an attack.”
“Alright,” said the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”
“I can’t do that either,” Jim responded. “I am a hemophiliac. If a wound is opened I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”
“Okay,” the cop said, shaking his head, “then I will need a urine sample.”
“Sorry,” retorted Jim. “I also have diabetes. Doing that could push my sugar count really low.”
The cop let out a sigh. “Fine, so just come on out and walk a straight line for me.”
“I can’t do that either,” said Jim.
“Oh, for the love of Pete, why not?” demanded the exasperated cop.
Jim smiled and answered, “Well, because I’m drunk!”
FEATURED VIDEOS
For a funny video this week, we turn to a classic from the genius of Weird Al Yankovic.
If you are interested, here is the original video, “Ridin’,” for reference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtwJvgPJ9xw
And here is Weird Al’s spoof of it, “White and Nerdy”:
More cello magic from the Piano Guys: