Three drunk guys climbed into a taxi. Noting their extreme state of intoxication, the taxi driver figured he could trick them and make an easy buck without any of them being the wiser. The driver started the engine, waited a minute, then turned it off, saying, “Okay, we’ve reached your destination!”
The first drunk gave him money and got out of the car. The second drunk thanked the driver and got out. The third drunk slapped the driver as he was getting out.
“What was that for?” asked the stunned driver.
The third drunk replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”
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Animals may be our friends… but they won’t pick you up at the airport!
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Editor’s Note: You probably noticed our change of format today, jumping right into the jokes without a lengthy intro. This will be our style from now on, with any needed commentary occasionally inserted between items (like this note). While we are keeping our weekly photo-cartoon (now in the middle of the jokes) and our featured videos (still at the end), items like our funny Quotables, True Facts and Inspirational Quotes will no longer appear in every issue (but will still show up fairly regularly).
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I know 10 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can’t say the letter ‘m’ without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You’re smiling.
Fact 6: You’re smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn’t notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You’re smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this (and you’re probably going to recommend TIDBITS to a friend).
PHOTO-CARTOON OF THE WEEK
<Click Image to Enlarge>
My wife opened my car door for me this morning.
It would have been a nice gesture if we hadn’t been going 70 mph!
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One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.
The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow’s butt, and blew into the tube until the cow’s eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.
About a week later, the cow’s eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. He called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow’s butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow’s butt and started to blow.
“What are you doing?” asked the farmer, horrified.
“Well, I wasn’t gonna use the side that YOU put your lips on!”
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You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
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[The following originally appeared in TIDBITS on 1/7/2002,]
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
“I got a lot done.”
Really means….
“I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”
“We’re going to be late.”
Really means….
“Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
“Hey, I’ve read all the classics.”
Really means….
“I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”
“You cook just like my mother used to.”
Really means….
“She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”
“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means….
“I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means….
“Are you still talking?”
“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
Really means….
“I forgot our anniversary again.”
“You expect too much of me.”
Really means….
“You want me to stay awake.”
“It’s a really good movie.”
Really means….
“It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.”
“That’s women’s work.”
Really means….
“It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
“Will you marry me?”
Really means….
“Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”
FEATURED VIDEOS
Here’s a fun one, a digital animated dance, as performed on Mongolia’s Got Talent:
Here is a video of the Piano Guys duo performing together before they became the Piano Guys:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFzOQQzARbQ