Our first new TIDBITS of the decade seems to be an overwhelming success. (Well, a couple people told me they liked it, anyway.) 😉
With this second new issue, I’d like to welcome several new readers who’ve signed up over the course of the last week. (You can catch up on what you’ve missed in the TIDBITS Archive.)
All new TIDBITS (and eventually all the existing material from the first thousand issues) will be reposted on my website, so be sure to check it out: www.TrentPassey.com.
Last week was a special retrospective anniversary celebration, so it didn’t follow a set format. With this issue I’d like to establish a style that we can — more or less — follow for the foreseeable future.
As I was reviewing the old editions for material to share last week, I was reminded of my previous format: a non-funny thought of the day, a short joke, a surprising true fact, a funny “Quotable” that someone actually said, and one longer joke to end with.
I’d like to revisit that format and modify it a bit for the new TIDBITS:
- Jokes | Since the original TIDBITS was often a daily mailing, only having a couple jokes in it was probably okay. Since the new TIDBITS is weekly, I plan to expand to at least four in every edition.
- Photos | Following the pattern I started last week, each issue of TIDBITS will begin with a funny photo that I will have edited myself, creating a cartoon of sorts with thought and word balloons added.
- Thoughts | Every TIDBITS will include a bit of non-humorous inspiration, either a quote or an uplifting video, to give our readers a boost for the week.
- Facts | A strange-but-true fact will be included in every edition.
- Quotes | The “Quotable” feature has always been my very favorite part, so I plan to continue including bizarre things that people really did let fall out of their mouths without thinking (as well as some quotes that are funny on purpose).
- Videos | A new feature I’m starting is a funny video to end each issue with. While these will usually just be things I’ve found around the web, occasionally they will be videos that I’ve created myself (like the one featured today).
Most of the material in TIDBITS will be new (at least as far as my mailings go), but I do reserve the right to reuse material I’ve sent out in previous humor mailings.
I’d also like to invite our readers to send me their favorite jokes, thoughts and videos (and I will acknowledge your submission by use of your first name, unless you specifically ask me not to). Please help me to have fresh material to share each week with the mirth-seeking masses!
That being said, I hope you enjoy today’s offerings!
TODAY’S FUNNY PHOTO
Ah, American politics in the 21st Century…
[Original photo by Alex E. Proimos – http://www.flickr.com/photos/proimos/4199675334/, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=22535544. Edited by Trent, 2017.]
TODAY’S INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
Joseph Campbell
TODAY’S TRUE FACT
The boomslang snake’s venom causes you to bleed from all holes of your body…. until you die!
[Editor: Ouch!]
TODAY’S QUOTABLES
“I love it when you can still smell your boyfriends colon on you :)”
– Social media poster Jessica
[Editor: She either needs a spelling dictionary or a therapist!]
“After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.'”
– Ronnie Shakes
“I actually don’t like thinking. I think people think I like to think a lot. And I don’t. I don’t like to think.”
– Kanye West
TODAY’S JOKES
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey Sweetheart, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden a stray dog ran in front of me. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
“The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just seconds before the car plunged over the cliff, crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, a broken jaw, a dislocated shoulder and several injuries to my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then his wife finally spoke. “Who’s Mary?!?”
______
A nice Chinese couple gave me a very expensive camera down by the Washington Monument.
I really didn’t understand a word they were saying, but it was a very thoughtful gift.
______
A woman discovered her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his gut.
“Bob, you know that won’t help you, right?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” replied her husband. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
______
This last one is a variation of a favorite joke of mine that my oldest brother shared with me when I was a kid. It was previously featured in TIDBITS 999 on 2/3/2005, two days before our ‘final’ issue of 12 years ago.
The way my brother told it, there were only two hunters, one of whom had never gone hunting before and was quite nervous about the whole thing, and the final scene took place with them separated by a short distance until the punch line. While I like his version better, I decided not to tamper with the “traditional” telling of the story, especially since I’ve learned that the version included here is said to be a true incident! (The Brownells Gunsmiths Newsletter credits Larry Ahlman of Morristown, Minnesota with the story.)
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.
The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?”
The hunter said, “Sure,” and headed for the car. While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies.
He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said okay, he said, “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.”
With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule, exclaiming, “There, that will teach him!”
A second shot rang out from the passenger side, and one of his hunting buddies shouted, “I got the cow!”
TODAY’S FUNNY VIDEO
Sheldon, Sheldon, Sheldon… where do we begin? Well, first and foremost, Sheldon Hill is a faithful reader of TIDBITS as well as my other humor mailings, so I can’t really find fault with him. He is also a successful salesman of machine tools at the company I work at, so again, I have virtually nothing but praise for him.
HOWEVER… it has been my fortune (and occasional misfortune) to video record Sheldon demonstrating some used machines in our facility to help promote them for sale. And, while Sheldon has a very good presence in front of the camera, he has this LITTLE tendency to go off script. And by “off” I mean that he winds up in an entirely different plane of existence! 🙂
Well, you can see for yourself. I compiled this brief collection of outtakes as a blooper reel to share with our other coworkers. Sheldon has graciously allowed me to also share it here as the very first installment in our new Funny Video feature.
I should note that while most of the scenes were shot by myself, the very first clip was something shot by someone in our service department who didn’t think to tell the two guys in the back that they would be visible in the shot (Sheldon is the one adjusting his trousers). The image of Sheldon and the tiger at the end was something that I was asked to create for an employee spotlight on him once, but I don’t remember the exact reason now.
Thanks for reading! See you next week!
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