TIDBITS is back! I started my email humor newsletter 20 years ago today, on Feb. 5th, 1997, as a means of sending jokes and other materials to a small group of friends. It ran for three years to the day and I ended it with #150.
But I still continued to send jokes to my friends.
So after a year I returned to it and it ran it for another four years. Twelve years ago today, on the eighth anniversary of the first installment, I emailed issue #1000 and figured that would be the perfect place to end.
But I still continued to send jokes to my friends.
So as this anniversary approached, I knew I might as well face the inevitable and start it up yet again. If I was still going to continue sending humor, it might as well be as a part of the one and only TIDBITS.
The same philosophy guides me now as in the beginning — if one joke is good, then a small collection of them sent all together would be better. Like a magazine where there are several features, a humor newsletter could offer something for everyone. If a reader isn’t amused by one joke, he or she can keep reading and maybe find one that does bring a smile.
I haven’t figured out the final format for ongoing issues, though there will always be a collection of different jokes included. One new feature I plan to put in every installment is a custom-edited photo ‘cartoon’ that hopefully will be amusing to most.
This first new issue will have a special format and it will be longer than subsequent ones. It seemed to me that it would be appropriate to turn this issue into a TIDBITS retrospective on this anniversary.
I hope you enjoy it.
TODAY’S FUNNY PHOTO
I began sending off group emails collecting humorous true stories and jokes to my friends in early February of 1997. After three of these, each of which progressively looked more and more like a newsletter, with section heading and the like, I decided to make it official. On February 5th I launched what was originally called “Trent’s Tidbits” for the first 22 issues. Here is a joke from that first issue:
LETTER FROM HILLBILLY MOM TO HER SON
Dear Son,
I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where the most accidents happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address as the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn’t have to change their address. Wish I would have thought of that.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven’t seen ’em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with those heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, it said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had the baby this morning. I haven’t found out if it’s a boy or a girl so I don’t know whether you are an aunt or uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some of the men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for about 3 days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn’t get the tailgate down in time.
Not much more news this time, nothing much happened.
Love, Mom.
P.S. I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU MONEY, but the envelope was already sealed.
TIDBITS was originally sent off using an old email service that eventually closed down, taking the first 99 issues with it. Fortunately I had copied some of the best material out of those first issues to use as “TIDBITS Archives” mailings to send to new readers. While I don’t know which issue it is from, here is one of those jokes from the early days:
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day.
Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.”
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
“You’re going to die,” she replied.
The 100th issue of TIDBITS was sent out on 12/22/1998. I ended it with a favorite one-liner followed by one of my all-time favorite jokes that I had saved for the occasion (though it is a bit dated now):
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: “A truck!”
~~~~~~~~~
A man named Jim Smith claimed that he knew every important man in the world. He mentioned the fact once too often, and a friend, fed up, finally said, “I’ll bet you $100,000 that you don’t know the President, John Wayne, and the Pope.” Smith took the bet.
First they flew off to Hollywood and went to John Wayne’s house. The Duke opened the door and said, “Hi, Jim, how’s everything?”
Then they went off to Washington, and got a similar greeting from the President. Then off to Rome. Smith went into the papal residence, and a few moments later appeared on the balcony overlooking Vatican Square with the Pope. Thinking it was a fraud, his friend turned to a local visitor and said, pointing to the balcony, “Who is that?”
The native replied, “I don’t know who the little Italian fellow is, but the other one is Jim Smith.”
I sent out the first “Final Issue” of TIDBITS on 2/5/2000. It was issue #150. Here is one of the jokes from it:
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station…
TIDBITS resumed publication a year later with #151 on 2/8/2001. Here is an excerpt:
A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, “Listen, I’m only going to be a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”
“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Congress?”
“Well no,” the tourist said, “I didn’t realize that. But that’s all right. I’ll trust you anyway.”
After a four-year run, with many of the issues coming out five days a week, TIDBITS at last bid a final farewell [until now!] on 2/5/2005 with issue #1000. The following is the issue in its entirety, excluding a really long-winded introduction (even by my standards!) that took up over half the space to say goodbye to all the faithful readers. It followed my standard format of the time of featuring a (non-humorous) “Today’s Thought,” followed by a short joke, a “True Fact,” a “Quotable,” and ending in a long joke.
Today’s Thoughts:
“That man is successful who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much, who has gained the respect of the intelligent men and the love of children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who leaves the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty or failed to express it; who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had.” – Robert Louis Stevenson
“We ought to hear at least one little song every day, read a good poem, see a first-rate painting, and if possible speak a few sensible words.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
______
Someday we’ll look back on all this…
…and plow into a parked car!
______
True Fact:
I’ve enjoyed creating the last thousand issues of TIDBITS for the enjoyment of my friends.
______
Quotable:
“Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.” – Will Rogers
______
A minister was asked by a local men’s service organization to address them. Knowing the inclination of some of the men who would be present, he decided he should speak about infidelity in marriage and the destruction it causes.
After having prepared carefully, he delivered a powerful sermon about adultery, one that caused a hush to fall over the audience and brought many of the men to tears. They thanked him profusely when he had finished.
As he arrived home, his wife asked him how his speech went. “Fine,” he replied, trying to hurry into the next room.
“What did you talk about?” she asked, before he could get away. He had feared that question, for his wife came from a very Victorian family who were prudish about sex. He knew that she just wouldn’t understand his talking about adultery, even though he was condemning it.
“I spoke about sail boating,” he stammered as he went past her, leaving her with a puzzled look on her face.
The next day his wife walked into a bank. She was recognized by the bank manager who came up to her and professed what a wonderful job her husband had done with his speech. “I was deeply moved,” he told her. “He spoke so strongly, it made me change the way I viewed my life. I am a new man because of it.”
“If you say so,” replied the minister’s wife, “but I can’t for the life of me understand why he chose that topic to speak about. After all, he’s only done it twice — the first time he threw up and the second time his hat blew off.”
And that’s our first of the new issues. I hope you enjoyed this retrospective featuring some classic humor and a (hopefully) funny picture. See you next week!
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