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MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5.
I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
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The caterer was consulting with a woman about throwing a birthday party for her 72-year-old husband.
“Is it a surprise?” the caterer asked.
“Oh, no,” answered the woman. “My husband knows he’s going to be 72.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1060 | Tough Puppy”
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
But push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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A woman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “I’m Mrs. Smith and I’m looking for my husband,” she announced.
“We have a lot of Smiths,” the saint replied. “Could you be more specific?”
“Well, he said that if I were ever untrue to him he’d turn in his grave!”
“Oh, you’re looking for ‘Pinwheel’ Smith,” said St. Peter.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1059 | Nun Sense”
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
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Never read the fine print.
There ain’t no way you’re going to like it.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1058 | Can’t Wait for a Haircut”
I’ve always wanted the world to beat a path to my door, and now it does!
But only when I’m in the bathroom.
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Husband: “Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!”
Wife: “Okay, but if you get home before I do, please leave the hallway light on.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1057 | Stumpy’s Airplane Ride”
Always give one-hundred percent at everything you do.
Unless, of course, you are donating blood.
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: “Yeah, right.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1056 | Stories from Tech Support”
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out!
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In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1055 | Out of the Mouths of Babes”
“I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off,” the blonde told her friend.
“So I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.”
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A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it.
The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, “What now?”
The boy answered, “Now we run like crazy!”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1054 | Police Quotes”
Just Wondering…
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
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Quotable
“I got an odd-job man in. He was useless.
“Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.” — Stephen Grant
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1053 | Exercise Diary”
Don’t underestimate me. I know karate!
(I also know three other Japanese words.)
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“I couldn’t afford to buy a house, so I decided to rob a bank,” one inmate said to another. “Now I’m all set.”
“You have the money stashed somewhere?” the other asked.
“Not exactly,” came the reply, “but the judge assured me that I wouldn’t have to worry about housing for the next 10 to 15 years.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1052 | Princess Frog”
These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart say, “For fast relief.”
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My mother said she doesn’t think of it as “getting hot flashes.”
She says she thinks of it as “her inner child playing with matches.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1051 | Scene of the Accident”