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One government official said to another, “I don’t know what people have against us. We haven’t done anything!”
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Today’s Thought
“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe.” – Anatole France
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Ah, Chocolate”
Apparently, I’m really good at being lazy.
In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy I should expect atrophy.
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Today’s Thought
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear.” – Mark Twain
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | To Remember Him By”
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.
Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
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Today’s Thought
“The whole secret of a successful life is to find out what is one’s destiny to do, and then do it.” – Henry Ford
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Big John”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods.
I stopped when I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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True story, found online:
“I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Anger vs. Exasperation”
I saw a poster today. Somebody was asking, “Have you seen my cat?”
So I called the number and said that I didn’t.
I like to help where I can.
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A hundred years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh, how the stables have turned.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1066 | A Night in the Barn”
My dog has an attitude. He is a cocky spaniel.
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You Know It’s Time to Diet When:
You could sell shade.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you only 22 more years to live.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1065 | Green Up”
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.
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In honor of Mother’s Day next week, TIDBITS is proud to present:
Things Mom Would Never Say
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1064 | Don’t Step on the Ducks”
I hate Russian nesting dolls — they’re so full of themselves!
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A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.
Here’s how it works: if you spend $49.95 for the DVD, your dog is smarter than you.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1063 | Beginner’s Luck”
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
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Quotable
“I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, ‘I either got ripped off or this is my first case.'” – Mike Vecchione
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1062 | Three Pints”
I’ve taken a vow of poverty.
To annoy me, send money.
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Accuracy is very important when submitting your tax return. The IRS returned a tax return submitted by a New York City man, implying that he answered one of the questions incorrectly.
“In response to the question, ‘List your dependents,’ you wrote, ‘12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and those who call themselves Politicians.’ This is unacceptable.”
The man replied back, “I’m sure sorry about that. Who did I leave out?”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1061 | Pearly Gates”