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I’ve started investing in stocks.
Specifically, beef, chicken and vegetable.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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Today’s Thought
“If you want to achieve excellence, you can get there today. As of this second, quit doing less-than-excellent work.” – Thomas J. Watson
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We had some drinks. Cool guy.
He wants to be a web developer.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Resume Bloopers”
Why did the blonde take her new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.
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Today’s Thought
“There’s a lot of things great about life. But I think tomorrow is the most important thing. Comes in to us at midnight very clean, ya know. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday.” – John Wayne
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When a blind woman tells her boyfriend that she is seeing someone, it could either be really terrible news or really great news.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | In the Sahara”
I plan to live to be 100, since very few people die at age 100.
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Today’s Thought
“You must expect great things of yourself before you can do them.” – Michael Jordan
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One way to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of a lot of people.
If they laugh, you’re still young.
If they panic and start running to you, you’re old.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Cinderella’s Last Wish”
We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.
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Today’s Thought
“The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.” – Mark Twain
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Youngsterisms”
I started a new exercise routine.
Everyday I do diddly-squats.
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Today’s Thought
“Success is… knowing your purpose in life, growing to reach your maximum potential, and sowing seeds that benefit others.” – John C. Maxwell
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I’m sometimes a terrible person. The other day I was sitting in my truck outside the shopping center watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked.
He kept putting his remote in the air and every time he squeezed it… I honked my horn!
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | It’s All Relative”
Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming. I just finished the whole house and realized the vacuum wasn’t even plugged in.
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Today’s Thought
“People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.” – Dale Carnegie
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A husband returns from kindergarten with a little boy and asks his wife, “He’s been crying the whole way home. Is he sick or something?”
“No,” replies the wife calmly, “he’s probably just trying to tell you he isn’t our little Frankie.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Final Exam”
Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine last week?
He’s now fully recovered.
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Today’s Thought
“If you want to make a permanent change, stop focusing on the size of your problems and start focusing on the size of you!” – T. Harv Eker
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A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
“Great idea!” the chicken cried. “Let’s offer them ham and eggs?”
“Not so fast,” said the pig testily. “For you, that’s a contribution. For me, it’s a total commitment.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Cannot Tell a Lie”
We had a contest at work for the best neck-wear.
It was a tie.
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Today’s Thought
“The person who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed.” – Bennett Cerf
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What’s the best part of Valentine’s Day?
The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Redneck Juror”
My friend went bald years ago but still carries an old comb around with him.
He just can’t part with it.
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Today’s Thought
“A man can be as great as he wants to be. If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done.” – Vince Lombardi
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The officer said, “You’re staggering.”
I replied, “You’re quite the handsome fella yourself!”
We just laughed and laughed.
I NEED BAIL MONEY!
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | He Who Is Without Sin”
Never date cross-eyed people.
They might be seeing somebody on the side!
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Today’s Thought
“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou
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Just Wondering…
If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2?
Why do people say “heads up” when you should duck?
When French people swear, do they say, “Pardon my English”?
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Career Choice”