Category: TIDBITS

I didn’t like my beard at first.

Then it grew on me.
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Today’s Thought

“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.” – Marie Curie 
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A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.

As her dad donned his tuxedo she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”

“And why not, darling?” he asked.

“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Snake Bite”

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
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Today’s Thought

“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.” – Nido Qubein
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The class was told to paint a picture of cows grazing in a meadow.

Soon, Little Johnny lifts a hand that he’s finished and shows the teacher a blank sheet of paper.

“But Johnny, you didn’t paint anything on it?” says the teacher.

“Well, the cows have eaten all the grass and since there was no grass left, they just went away.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Bad Grade”

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
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Today’s Thought

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” – Maya Angelou
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A schoolgirl says to her friend, “I wished I’d lived a thousand years ago.”

“Why?” her friend asks.

“Well,” replies the girl, “there wouldn’t be so much history to learn.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Corporate Cannibals”

I got a really cute dog and named him “Three Miles.”

It sounds great to say I walk Three Miles twice a day.
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Today’s Thought

“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” – Henry David Thoreau
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You call them swear words.

I call them sentence enhancers.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Converting a Bear”

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
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Today’s Thought

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you can never see the shadow.” – Helen Keller
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A child’s observation: “If mom laughs at dad’s jokes, that means we have guests.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Sunbeams”

A friend said she did not understand cloning.

I told her that makes two of us.
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Today’s Thought

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss 
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I’ve learned two important lessons in my life.

I can’t recall the first one, but the second is that I need to start writing stuff down.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Great Truths”

I need professional help.

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it.
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Today’s Thought

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
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Answering the phone “Sheriff’s Department, Fraud Division” sure has slowed down the telemarketer calls.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | First Kiss”

I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise…

And I was right.
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Today’s Thought

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
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Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I’m not going to let you hurt me like this again.”

Trainer: “It was a sit up. You did one sit up!”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Reasonable Doubt”

Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a “beef”??
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Today’s Thought

“I was perfectly content before I was born, and I think of death as the same state. What I am grateful for is the gift of intelligence, and for life, love, wonder, and laughter. You can’t say it wasn’t interesting. My lifetime’s memories are what I have brought home from the trip.” – Roger Ebert
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Me: “It’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up.”

Cop: “That’s not how field sobriety tests work.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Weather (or Not)”

I broke my personal record for a 100 meter dash!

I’m on 64 meters.
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Today’s Thought

“You measure the size of the accomplishment by the obstacles you had to overcome to reach your goals.” – Booker T. Washington
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We have a strange custom in the office where I work. The food has names there.

Yesterday, for example, I got myself a sandwich out of the fridge, and its name was “Michael.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS | Emergency Landing”