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TIDBITS | Tea with Daddy

Always remember:
The early bird may get the worm…
but the second mouse gets the cheese!

Today’s Thought

“The question isn’t ‘who’s going to let me?’ It’s ‘who’s going to stop me?'” – Ayn Rand 

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.

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TIDBITS | All in the Family

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

Today’s Thought

“I don’t think any other emotion is the equivalent of laughter. So I do whatever I can to laugh all the time and to hide my pain.” – Rashida Jones

Woman: “How many loads of laundry can this hold?”

Salesman: “Ma’am, this is a dining room table.”

Woman: “And?”

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TIDBITS | A Day at the Races

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Today’s Thought

“People who succeed have momentum. The more they succeed, the more they want to succeed, and the more they find a way to succeed. Similarly, when someone is failing, the tendency is to get on a downward spiral that can even become a self-fulfilling prophecy.” – Tony Robbins

One of the most weird things about being an adult is having a favorite stove top burner.

Yet nobody talks about it.

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TIDBITS | Things to Ponder

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

Today’s Thought

“Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.” – Yakov Smirnoff

Just as the graveside service finished, there was a distant lightning bolt accompanied by a tremendous burst of rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there and it’s His problem now.”

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TIDBITS | Substitute Organist

I got mugged by six dwarfs last night.

Not Happy!

Today’s Thought

“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” – Roald Dahl 

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed!

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TIDBITS | Survival Techniques

They really should stock ATMs better.

I went to five different ones today and they all said “insufficient funds.”

Today’s Thought

“Hard work and dedication and perseverance and being good to people does win. It does matter. Cream does rise to the top.” – Gina Rodriguez

I’m so old that I have dialed a rotary phone, watched a black and white TV with foil on the rabbit ear antennas, listened to music on an 8-track tape, and went through a whole day without taking a picture of myself.

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TIDBITS | Mike’s Obituary

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Today’s Thought

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.” – Steve Jobs

I intend to live forever.

So far, so good!

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TIDBITS | Executive Example

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Do not read it!
______

Today’s Thought

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn, or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.” – Denis Waitley
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My mouth is a bit like a magician’s hat.

I’m always amazing people with what comes out of it!
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[This one is based on a Pickles comic strip.]

Grandfather: “The philosopher Plato once said, “I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing — and that is that I know nothing.”

Grandson: “How did he know that?”

Grandfather: “His wife told him.”

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TIDBITS | Southern Security

Apparently, when you donate blood, it has to be your blood.
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Today’s Thought

“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.” – Og Mandino
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I told my boss that three companies are after me and that I need a raise.

He told me he’d think about it.

I didn’t bother to mention that the three companies are Gas, Electric and Water.
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