What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton, the other is a little lighter.
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My eyelids must be really sexy.
I just can’t keep my eyes off them!
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1031”
TIDBITS 1030
A father was washing the car with his young son.
After a while the boy asked, “Dad, can we use a sponge now?”
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Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac?
He knew in advance what he was going to forget.
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TIDBITS 1029
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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The menu said “Breakfast any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
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TIDBITS 1028
I recently ordered a thesaurus online and when it arrived it was blank.
I literally have no words to describe how angry I am.
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A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old woman.
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.
She replied simply, “No peer pressure.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1028”
TIDBITS 1027
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
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Tech-savvy man to his aged father: “I don’t think you even know what a hard drive is.”
Aged father: “I’ve driven across the country with your mother and you kids. I know what a hard drive is.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1027”
TIDBITS 1026
Today I gave my dead batteries away.
Free of charge!
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I’ve just opened a new restaurant called Karma.
There’s no menu, we just give you what you deserve.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1026”
TIDBITS 1025
Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
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I may be in trouble. I recently visited a local haunted house, and I got scared half to death… twice!
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1025”
TIDBITS 1024
“I am going bananas!”
That’s what I say to my bananas each morning before I leave the house.
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It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!
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TIDBITS 1023
A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He replied, “Call for backup!”
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If I had 50 cents for every math exam I failed, I’d have $6.30 by now.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1023”
TIDBITS 1022
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
Continue reading “TIDBITS 1022”