TIDBITS | Weather (or Not)

Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a “beef”??
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Today’s Thought

“I was perfectly content before I was born, and I think of death as the same state. What I am grateful for is the gift of intelligence, and for life, love, wonder, and laughter. You can’t say it wasn’t interesting. My lifetime’s memories are what I have brought home from the trip.” – Roger Ebert
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Me: “It’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up.”

Cop: “That’s not how field sobriety tests work.”
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TIDBITS | Emergency Landing

I broke my personal record for a 100 meter dash!

I’m on 64 meters.
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Today’s Thought

“You measure the size of the accomplishment by the obstacles you had to overcome to reach your goals.” – Booker T. Washington
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We have a strange custom in the office where I work. The food has names there.

Yesterday, for example, I got myself a sandwich out of the fridge, and its name was “Michael.”
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TIDBITS | Resume Bloopers

I’ve started investing in stocks.

Specifically, beef, chicken and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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Today’s Thought

“If you want to achieve excellence, you can get there today. As of this second, quit doing less-than-excellent work.” – Thomas J. Watson
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We had some drinks. Cool guy.

He wants to be a web developer.
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TIDBITS | In the Sahara

Why did the blonde take her new scarf back to the store?

It was too tight.
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Today’s Thought

“There’s a lot of things great about life. But I think tomorrow is the most important thing. Comes in to us at midnight very clean, ya know. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday.” – John Wayne
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When a blind woman tells her boyfriend that she is seeing someone, it could either be really terrible news or really great news.
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TIDBITS | It’s All Relative

I started a new exercise routine.

Everyday I do diddly-squats.
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Today’s Thought

“Success is… knowing your purpose in life, growing to reach your maximum potential, and sowing seeds that benefit others.” – John C. Maxwell
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I’m sometimes a terrible person. The other day I was sitting in my truck outside the shopping center watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked.

He kept putting his remote in the air and every time he squeezed it… I honked my horn!
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TIDBITS | Final Exam

Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming. I just finished the whole house and realized the vacuum wasn’t even plugged in.
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Today’s Thought

“People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.” – Dale Carnegie
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A husband returns from kindergarten with a little boy and asks his wife, “He’s been crying the whole way home. Is he sick or something?”

“No,” replies the wife calmly, “he’s probably just trying to tell you he isn’t our little Frankie.”
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TIDBITS | Cannot Tell a Lie

Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine last week?

He’s now fully recovered.
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Today’s Thought

“If you want to make a permanent change, stop focusing on the size of your problems and start focusing on the size of you!”  – T. Harv Eker
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A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

“Great idea!” the chicken cried. “Let’s offer them ham and eggs?”

“Not so fast,” said the pig testily. “For you, that’s a contribution. For me, it’s a total commitment.”
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