I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.
All it was doing was gathering dust.
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I’m so bright my mother calls me son.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1034”
TIDBITS 1033
I never give up on my dreams!
(I just keep sleeping until I’m late for work.)
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A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.
“Did you see their face?” her friends asked when she came back inside.
“No, but it’s okay — I got the license plate number!”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1033”
TIDBITS 1032
I’ve just written a song about a tortilla.
Although, now that I think about it, it’s actually more of a rap.
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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn’t finished.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1032”
TIDBITS 1031
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton, the other is a little lighter.
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My eyelids must be really sexy.
I just can’t keep my eyes off them!
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1031”
TIDBITS 1030
A father was washing the car with his young son.
After a while the boy asked, “Dad, can we use a sponge now?”
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Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac?
He knew in advance what he was going to forget.
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TIDBITS 1029
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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The menu said “Breakfast any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
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TIDBITS 1028
I recently ordered a thesaurus online and when it arrived it was blank.
I literally have no words to describe how angry I am.
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A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old woman.
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.
She replied simply, “No peer pressure.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1028”
TIDBITS 1027
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
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Tech-savvy man to his aged father: “I don’t think you even know what a hard drive is.”
Aged father: “I’ve driven across the country with your mother and you kids. I know what a hard drive is.”
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TIDBITS 1026
Today I gave my dead batteries away.
Free of charge!
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I’ve just opened a new restaurant called Karma.
There’s no menu, we just give you what you deserve.
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TIDBITS 1025
Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
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I may be in trouble. I recently visited a local haunted house, and I got scared half to death… twice!
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1025”