Author: Trent

I hate Russian nesting dolls — they’re so full of themselves!
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A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.

Here’s how it works: if you spend $49.95 for the DVD, your dog is smarter than you.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1063 | Beginner’s Luck”

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
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Quotable

“I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, ‘I either got ripped off or this is my first case.'” – Mike Vecchione
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1062 | Three Pints”

I’ve taken a vow of poverty.

To annoy me, send money.
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Accuracy is very important when submitting your tax return. The IRS returned a tax return submitted by a New York City man, implying that he answered one of the questions incorrectly.

“In response to the question, ‘List your dependents,’ you wrote, ‘12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and those who call themselves Politicians.’ This is unacceptable.”

The man replied back, “I’m sure sorry about that. Who did I leave out?”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1061 | Pearly Gates”

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5.

I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
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The caterer was consulting with a woman about throwing a birthday party for her 72-year-old husband.

“Is it a surprise?” the caterer asked.

“Oh, no,” answered the woman. “My husband knows he’s going to be 72.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1060 | Tough Puppy”

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

But push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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A woman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “I’m Mrs. Smith and I’m looking for my husband,” she announced.

“We have a lot of Smiths,” the saint replied. “Could you be more specific?”

“Well, he said that if I were ever untrue to him he’d turn in his grave!”

“Oh, you’re looking for ‘Pinwheel’ Smith,” said St. Peter.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1059 | Nun Sense”

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
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Never read the fine print.

There ain’t no way you’re going to like it.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1058 | Can’t Wait for a Haircut”

I’ve always wanted the world to beat a path to my door, and now it does!

But only when I’m in the bathroom.
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Husband: “Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!”

Wife: “Okay, but if you get home before I do, please leave the hallway light on.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1057 | Stumpy’s Airplane Ride”

Always give one-hundred percent at everything you do.

Unless, of course, you are donating blood.
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: “Yeah, right.”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1056 | Stories from Tech Support”

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out!
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In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1055 | Out of the Mouths of Babes”

“I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off,” the blonde told her friend.

“So I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.”
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A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it.

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, “What now?”

The boy answered, “Now we run like crazy!”
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Continue reading “TIDBITS 1054 | Police Quotes”