TIDBITS | Efficiency Expert

“Some things are better left unsaid.”

(Which is what I usually realize right after having said them.)
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Today’s Thought

“If you don’t value your time, neither will others. Stop giving away your time and talents — start charging for it.” – Kim Garst

[Editor: Great advice, but I still plan to provide TIDBITS for free to all of you for the foreseeable future!]
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A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London, the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412.

The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”

The House of Parliament was next — construction started in 1544, completed 1618.

“Heck boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”

As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.

“Whoa! What’s that over there?”

“Darned if I know — wasn’t there yesterday….”
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Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete said to the salesman, “We really like it, but I don’t think we can afford it.”

The salesman replied, “You just make a small down payment — then you don’t make another payment for six months.”

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, “Who told you about us?”
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Teacher: “It’s the fourth time you’re late for school this week Johnny! Do you know what that means?!”

Little Johnny: “That it’s Thursday, Miss Bramwell.”

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My car horn now sounds like gunshots. People are moving out of the way much faster these days.
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Chicken Farmer

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that my chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day I called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don’t care — just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: “Slow: School Crossing.”

Three days later I again called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”

So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign: “Slow: Children at Play.”

That really sped them up. So I called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, I asked the sheriff, “Your signs are just doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

The sheriff replied, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.”

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give me a call.

“How’s the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then.

That got the sheriff really curious and he said, “I’d better come out there and take a look at your sign. It might be something that we could use around here in town to slow down drivers.”

So the sheriff drove out to my farm, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: “Nudist Colony: Go slow and watch out for the chicks!”
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Quotable

“Does anybody here know what to do if a bear attacks? A lot of people do think you’re supposed to play dead, which is not what you’re supposed to do.

“And the best thing about playing dead is — that’s like a rumor that bears spread.” – Eugene Mirman
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As long as I can remember, I’ve had amnesia.
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The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. ‘Hon,’ I suggested, ‘Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”

The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?”

The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”