I used to eat a lot of natural foods.
I stopped when I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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True story, found online:
“I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.”
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Welcome to the all-new TIDBITS!
Okay, okay, today’s edition isn’t all that different than the “classic” TIDBITS that have preceded it. But there are a few subtle differences:
- Issue numbers have been removed (otherwise this would have been “TIDBITS 1067”). During the first run of TIDBITS (1997-2005), it was fun to count up to that “final” one-thousandth issue, and it was also fun to keep a sense of legacy going when I started back up last year with #1001, but they really aren’t needed.
- TIDBITS is now bigger, with twelve text features instead of eight (though I actually implemented that change three weeks ago). Beginning with this issue, I am also bringing back the photo-cartoon of the week, though many times we will feature a previously used one, like the one below (which originally appeared in the March 5, 2017 issue).
- The biggest change is also the most unnoticeable one: with this issue I started using a brand-new mailing list for those who subscribe through email (this doesn’t affect those of you who read TIDBITS online or through social media, of course). To comply with new personal information laws, the new mailing list requires extra steps for people to consent to opt-in, proving that I just didn’t add someone’s email to a list in order to “spam” them.
Our current TIDBITS email list is much smaller than the last one, but I want to thank all those who signed up for it, and hopefully many more will join us as time goes on. (If any of you online readers would also like to receive TIDBITS in your email, you can sign up for it HERE.)
Thanks, everyone, for your continued support!
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<Click image to enlarge>
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I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered “Fat-Free French Fries.” I decided to give them a try.
I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.
As I watched the grease soak through the bag, I exclaimed, “Just a minute! Those aren’t fat-free!”
“Yes, they are,” came the reply. “We only charge for the potatoes… the fat is free!”
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Just Wondering…
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
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A blonde telephones an airline and asks, “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone says, “Just a minute….”
The blonde replies, “Thanks!” and hangs up the phone.
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When We Were First Married
One night at the dinner table, a woman commented to her husband, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don’t love me anymore?”
“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband. “You just cook better now.”
Today’s Thought
“What’s the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?” – Anonymous
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Bubba, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, “What is three times seven?”
“Twenty-two,” Bubba replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator — he knew he should have taken it to the interview! — and realized he wouldn’t get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.
The next day, Bubba went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.
The boss shrugged and said, “Well, you were the closest.”
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Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
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Quotable
“One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense.” – Demetri Martin
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A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem during a math lesson: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”
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Anger vs. Exasperation
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”
The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of nerve calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!” the father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”