I saw a poster today. Somebody was asking, “Have you seen my cat?”
So I called the number and said that I didn’t.
I like to help where I can.
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A hundred years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh, how the stables have turned.
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Today’s Thought
“If you are not willing to risk the usual you will have to settle for the ordinary.” – Jim Rohn
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Martin was being interviewed for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”
Without hesitation, Martin responded, “The living one, of course!”
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The math teacher quizzed a student, “Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”
The student replied, “Huge hands, sir.”
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A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, “Number twelve!” The whole cell block breaks out laughing.
A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “Number four!” Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
The new guy asks his cellmate what’s going on. “Well,” says the older prisoner, “we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.”
So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, “Number twenty-nine!” This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, with some prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.
When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, “How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?”
“Oh,” says the older man, wiping tears from his eyes, “we’ve never heard that one before.”
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business.
“Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills.
“Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?”
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Wife: “What do you mean by coming home half drunk?”
Husband: “It’s not my fault — I ran out of money!”
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Quotable
“I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
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After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with her. Suddenly, his phone rang, so he excused himself.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him after two hours so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”
“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”
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Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his blond brother and asked him, “Please do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill.”
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.
“Well,” replied the blond brother, “you said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo.”
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. “I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?”
“Yes, I do,” said Bob
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
Jack smiled and replied, “She just died and left me everything.”