Just Wondering…
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
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Quotable
“I got an odd-job man in. He was useless.
“Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.” — Stephen Grant
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A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a six foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they save his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the six foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Yes, there is a nasty bug going around.”
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The Man’s Guide to What a Woman Really Wants When She Says…
- “We need…” = “I want…”
- “It’s your decision.” = “The correct decision should be obvious by now.”
- “Do what you want.” = “You’ll pay for this later.”
- “We need to talk.” = “I need to complain.”
- “I’m not upset.” = “Of course I’m upset, you moron!”
- “I heard a noise.” = “I noticed you were almost asleep.”
- “Are my hips fat?” = “Tell me I’m beautiful.”
- “You need to communicate.” = “Just agree with me.”
- “Are you listening to me?!” = “Too late, you’re dead.”
- “Do you like this recipe?” = “It’s easy to cook so you’d better get used to it.”
- “I’m not yelling!” = “Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.”
- “Do you love me?” = “I’m going to ask for something expensive.”
- “How much do you love me?” = “I did something today that you’re really not going to like.”
- “You’re so… manly.” = “You need a shave and you sweat a lot.”
- “This kitchen is so inconvenient.” = “I want a new house.”
- “I need new white shoes.” = “The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.”
- “I’ll be ready in a minute.” = “Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.”
An old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination the doctor tells him, “I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?”
Patient: “Well, let me have the bad news first.”
Doctor: “You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.”
Patient: “Oh no! That’s just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you possibly give me after that?”
Doctor: “You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.”
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Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her “The Talk.”
“Sometimes, it’s easy to get carried away when you’re with a boy,” I said. “Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life.”
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I don’t plan on ruining my life until I get married.”
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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned but didn’t budge.
The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
When a police officer arrived, he surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Sam,” the man moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?”
With pain in his voice Sam replied, “The balcony.”
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Exercise Diary
For Christmas this year my wife purchased for me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26‑year‑old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1 — They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. I enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2 — Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.
Day 3 — The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.
Day 4 — Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5 — I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya, I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage – YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6 — I got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7 — Well, that’s the week. Thank God that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1sKKHmwUm0