These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart say, “For fast relief.”
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My mother said she doesn’t think of it as “getting hot flashes.”
She says she thinks of it as “her inner child playing with matches.”
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Editor’s Note: We celebrated the 50th issue anniversary of the new run of TIDBITS last week, along with the 1050th since it began. As far as date anniversaries go, tomorrow, February 5th, 2018, marks the one year anniversary of the return of TIDBITS after a twelve-year absence, as well as being 21 years to the day of the very first issue.
To mark the occasion, I invite new readers (and interested older ones) to take a look at that first new issue from a year ago, as it not only launched our new run, but also served as a retrospective of the early years: TIDBITS 1001
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A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.
The second horse’s tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail.
Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbor then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again, our blonde friend couldn’t tell the two horses apart.
The neighbor then suggested that she measure the horses for height.
When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was two inches taller than the black one.
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Presidential Parallels
• Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
• John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
• Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
• John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
• The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
• Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
• Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
• Both were shot in the head.
• Both were assassinated by Southerners.
• Both were succeeded by Southerners.
• Both successors were named Johnson.
• Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
• Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
• John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
• Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
• Both assassins were known by their three names.
• Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
• Booth ran from a theater and was caught in a warehouse.
• Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
• Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
• Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.
An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
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Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
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I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
“Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in.
As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing ‘Start123.'”
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Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company that was responsible for the accident to court.
In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” asked the lawyer.
Farmer Brown responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”
Farmer Brown said, “Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the responding highway patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.”
He continued, “I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
“Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road to me.
“He still had his gun still in his hand when he looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling?'”
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