Welcome to the latest TIDBITS!
Once again I’d like to invite readers to submit their favorite jokes, funny quotes, bizarre facts and more.
Also, any ideas for our funny photo-cartoon of the week would be appreciated. I seem to be stuck in a rut of creating images either about TIDBITS or about Donald Trump (and twice about both TIDBITS and Donald Trump!).
Together we can make this the best humor newsletter in the nation! (Or at least on my block.) ????
Enjoy!
FUNNY PHOTO
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHTS
“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no help at all.” – Dale Carnegie
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“The best revenge is massive success.” – Frank Sinatra
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In spite of some controversy over their decision to play at the 2017 Inauguration, The Piano Guys remain ever popular and are my favorite musical group. They are joined by the talented Alex Boyé for this piece, which is titled “Peponi.” In Swahili it means “Paradise,” and that is a good word to describe how I feel every time I hear it.
READER COMMENTS
Regarding TIDBITS 1005
C wrote:
“Thank you. Always appreciated!”
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J wrote:
“Trent, If you will check back in the 60’s sometime that WC story actually got someone cut off of TV. It may have been Joey Bishop or someone who preceded him. Man, have we come a long way, not in a good way either. That Tim Conway one was great, they all loved their comedy and did not mind showing it. Must say tho, they must all have had strong bladders.”
TRUE FACTS
The YKK on your zipper stands for “Yoshida Kogyo Kabushikigaisha.”
Learn more
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A duel between three people is actually called a truel.
Learn more
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A strawberry isn’t a berry but a banana is.
Learn more
QUOTABLES
“I am a deeply superficial person.” – Andy Warhol
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Some profound motivational quotes… that are entirely unintentional:
- “Choose YES” – Brother scanner
- “For most work, a gentle touch is best” – Dremel rotary tool
- “Keep cool, never freeze” – Mayonnaise label
Read all
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“Stand up, Chuck, let ’em see ya.” – Vice President Joe Biden calling upon Missouri state Senator Chuck Graham to stand and take a bow, forgetting for a moment that Graham is wheelchair-bound. See video
JOKES
Insurance Agent: Do you want to insure all your office equipment against theft?
Business Owner: Yes, indeed. All of the equipment — except for the wall clock.
Insurance Agent: Why not the clock?
Business Owner: Oh, there’s no chance of it disappearing unnoticed. All my employees have been very good about keeping a close eye on it.
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The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
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A woman was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband, when suddenly he burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he exclaimed, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!”
The woman just stared dumbfounded at her husband.
The husband continued, “Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use! The! Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!“
Exasperated, the woman finally spoke up. “What in the world is wrong with you?!? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband smiled and calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
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I went to buy some camouflage shirts the other day, but I couldn’t see a single one!
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This last one is an old one, dating from an early period in email technology. I’ve presented it a couple of times in mailings in the past, including in TIDBITS 996, sent on 1/25/2005.
As you receive your e-mail, it’s wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Love, Your husbandPS. Sure is hot down here.
FUNNY VIDEO
Dana Carvey never fails to crack me up. Many times his silly antics and impersonations have literally left me gasping for air because I was laughing so hard. Here he presents as part of his audition for Saturday Night Live his classic “Choppin’ Broccoli” bit, one of my very favorites.
Keep laughing!
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