TIDBITS 1033

I never give up on my dreams!

(I just keep sleeping until I’m late for work.)
______

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

“Did you see their face?” her friends asked when she came back inside.

“No, but it’s okay — I got the license plate number!”
______

Bonus: Riddle

I am the beginning of the end,
and the end of time and space.
I am essential to creation,
and I surround every place.

Who am I?

(Answer Below)
______

[This is the 6th of eight installments of this series that appeared during the original run of TIDBITS. This one appeared in the issue sent out on January 10th, 2002.]

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

“What did I do this time?”
    Really means….
“What did you catch me at?”

“What do you mean, you need new clothes?”
    Really means….
“You just bought new clothes three years ago.”

“She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
    Really means….
“She refused to make my coffee.”

“But I hate to go shopping.”
    Really means….
“Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”

“No, I left plenty of gas in the car.”
    Really means….
“You may actually get it to start.”

“I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.”
    Really means….
“I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”
______

(Answer to Riddle: The letter E.)


FEATURED VIDEO

The fact that the camera is off-center makes me suspect that this video was intentionally staged, but I still found it amusing.


A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. He stopped briefly in front of a house to check his tire. As he was getting back in his truck, a little boy playing in front of the house called out, “What’ve you got in your truck?”

“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.

“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.

“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”
______

Bonus: True Fact

Many famous historical photos were edited — without the use of modern, computerized digital technology — before they were originally published.

Doctored Historical Photos
Learn more
______

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”

“Well honey,” said the slightly prudish mother, “the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” replied the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, your grandparents found us under a rock.”

“Well, how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, they were found under a cabbage leaf,” said the mother.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
______

The groom’s uncle said, “Good luck young man. A few years down the line you will look back on today and think that it was the happiest day of your life.”

“Uncle, do you mean tomorrow?” asked the groom. “I’m not getting married until tomorrow.”

The uncle nodded sadly and replied, “I know.”


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