I’ve just written a song about a tortilla.
Although, now that I think about it, it’s actually more of a rap.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn’t finished.
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
– Stewart Francis
During a recent power outage my TV, gaming system and stereo were all shut down. Then I found my laptop and cell phone were both dead. To make matters worse, it was raining and I couldn’t play golf.
So went to the kitchen to fix something in the microwave… but of course it takes power too.
So I sat down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours.
You know, she seems like a nice person.
Although there were five performing Marx Brothers, only four made it from vaudeville to the movies, and only three were together for all the movies that featured them. We’ve already spotlighted Groucho and Chico in past editions, so here’s a video about Harpo:
A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out.
“What’s the matter?” she asked.
“It’s my birthday!” he hollered. “And I got a bicycle and a new basketball and this afternoon there’s going be a party with candy and ice cream and a birthday cake and a magician….” He had to stop talking because he was crying so hard.
“But that’s lovely,” said the old lady. “Why are you crying?”
“Because I’m lost!”
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.
One evening a old man was traveling at 70 mph in a 30 mph zone. A police car pulled him over and told him, “I’ve been following you for 5 minutes and you kept accelerating.”
The old man agreed that he had been speeding.
The police officer said to the speeder, “Look, I finish my shift in two minutes. If you can give me an excuse I haven’t heard before, I will let you go as it will save me the paper work.”
The old man promptly replied, “My wife ran away with a police officer several years ago, and I thought you were bringing her back!”
Smiling, the officer wished the old man a pleasant evening and got back in his patrol car and drove away.