What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One weighs a ton, the other is a little lighter.

My eyelids must be really sexy.

I just can’t keep my eyes off them!

Bonus: Today’s Thought

“Don’t be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone.” – Andy Biersack

[This is the 5th of eight installments of this series that appeared during the original run of TIDBITS. This one appeared in the issue sent out on January 9th, 2002.]


“Go ask your mother.”
Really means….
“I am incapable of making a decision.”

“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
Really means….
“The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“Football is a man’s game.”
Really means….
“Women are generally too smart to play it.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
Really means….
“I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house.”
Really means….
“I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means….
“And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”


Classic Steve Martin, from back in the day.

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”

Mrs Roberts is shocked. “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!”

Relieved, Little Johnny responds, “Thanks Mrs Roberts. By the way, I haven’t done my homework.”

Bonus: True Facts

At the time the current oldest person on Earth was born, there was a completely different set of human beings on the planet.

And at the time you were born, you were briefly the youngest person in the entire world.

Why is it so hard to catch a red neck thief?

They have no dental records and their DNA is all the same!

There was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.

When the Coast Guard eventually found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around. He told the fisherman, “You know, it’s illegal to kill a California Condor. I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you.”

The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve.

The Coast Guard man finally relented. “I’m not supposed to do this, but given the circumstances, I’ll look the other way. It’s not like you are a repeat offender.”

The fisherman thanked him profusely, and they started back towards the mainland.

After a while the Coast Guard leader asked the man, “Just out of curiosity, what did it taste like?”

The fisherman replied, ” Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.”


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