A father was washing the car with his young son.
After a while the boy asked, “Dad, can we use a sponge now?”
Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac?
He knew in advance what he was going to forget.
J, a subscriber from my original run of TIDBITS who signed back up for the new mailings, sent me the following note in response to our piece last time that read, “What’s green and brown and if it fell out of a tree it could kill you? A pool table.”
I love the pool table joke, one of my favorites because it always gets a response. Usually I tell it “What’s green and fuzzy and hurts if it falls from a tree?”
Another of my favorites is “What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.”
Love tidbits, thanks for bringing it back.
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I then get under the bed, but I’m sure there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under … you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
A video spotlighting the humor of Groucho Marx was featured in TIDBITS 1021. Here is a similar one about his brother, Chico Marx.
My sister bet me a $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
I changed my password to “incorrect.”
Now, every time I forget it and put it in wrong, my computer tells me that my password is incorrect!
John’s not a great golfer – in fact, he stinks. But he’s always working on his game, trying to improve. One afternoon, after a typically crappy round of golf, John is interrupted by a police officer as he’s throwing his clubs in the car. “Did you tee off on the 17th hole about 20 minutes ago?”
“Why, yes I did officer.” John replied.
“Did you by any chance hook your ball over the trees to the left, out of bounds?” asked the officer.
“Yep, I believe I did.” John answered. “How’d you know?”
“Well,” said the officer in a very serious tone, “Your golf ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a car’s windshield. The driver lost control, causing a 5 car pile-up and a small explosion. Three people went to the hospital with injuries. I’d like to know what you’re going to do about it?”
John stood there in silence, seemingly saddened by the devastation caused by his errant tee shot.
After much thought, John finally responded, “I think I’ll aim more to the right, close up my stance, tighten my grip and roll my right thumb over a bit.”