It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

The menu said “Breakfast any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

[This is the 4th of eight installments of this series that appeared during the original run of TIDBITS. This one appeared in the issue sent January 8th, 2002.]


“I can’t find it.”
Really means….
“It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m
completely clueless.”

“I’m not lost.  I know exactly where we are.”
Really means….
“No one will ever see us alive again.”

“We share the housework.”
Really means….
“I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

“This relationship is getting too serious.”
Really means….
“I like you more than my truck.”

“I missed you.”
Really means….
“I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry
and we are out of toilet paper.”


Did you hear about the mathematician that hates negative numbers?

They say he’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!

[Think of the mathematical concept of a number line if you don’t get the joke.]

What’s green and brown and if it fell out of a tree it could kill you?

A pool table.

The last remaining gorilla at a zoo dies of old age right before the zoo opens one day. The zoo isn’t very profitable, but the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it.

So the zoo owner offers one of his workers an extra $100 a day if he will put on a gorilla suit they have in storage and go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

The employee takes the role to heart, and rapidly the new “gorilla” becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the antics of the “human-like” gorilla.

About a month in, the employee realizes that the craze has started to wear off. So, to liven things up and get peoples’ attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lion’s den next to him. A large crowd of people gather, watching the spectacle in awe and terror. He decides to repeat the act each day, and sure enough, word spreads, and the zoo is more popular than ever.

During one performance the man suddenly loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion’s den. Terrified, the “gorilla” starts screaming, “HELP!! HELP!!!”

Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, “Shut the hell up right now or you’re going to get us both fired!”


I created the graphic below in honor of Jack Kirby’s 100th birthday, which takes place tomorrow, August 28th, 2017. Kirby was a prolific comic book artist, creating or co-creating quite a number of characters. In the 1940s he designed the look of Captain America at Timely Comics (which later became Marvel Comics).

In the 1960s at Marvel he drew characters that he invented with author Stan Lee, such as the Fantastic Four and the Incredible Hulk. Other characters they created together include the Silver Surfer, the comic-book version of ThorBlack Bolt (of the Inhumans), and the Black Panther (all of whom are shown on the left side of the graphic. Jack and Stan also created the Avengers and the original X-Men.

He moved to DC Comics in the early 1970s, where he created his Fourth World characters that he both wrote and drew, such as the New Gods and Mister Miracle. He created the villain Darkseid (in an issue of Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen, of all places, which is where he first introduced his New Gods), as well as many other characters, such as Lightray, Kamandi and Etrigan the Demon (all shown on the right side of the graphic).

Though he passed away over 20 years ago, he has left a legacy that has heavily influenced comics, television and the movies to the present day. Happy Birthday Jack!

Learn more about Jack Kirby

<Click Image to Enlarge>

Jack Kirby Centennial

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