I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

Tech-savvy man to his aged father: “I don’t think you even know what a hard drive is.”

Aged father: “I’ve driven across the country with your mother and you kids. I know what a hard drive is.”

Bonus: Quotable

“I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Editor: Here is another installment in this series that was featured during the first run of TIDBITS a few years back. This one was originally presented in the issue sent on January 4th, 2002.


“Good idea.”
   Really means…
“It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”

“Have you lost weight?”
   Really means…
“I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”

“My wife doesn’t understand me.”
   Really means…
“She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”

“It would take too long to explain.”
   Really means…
“I have no idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
   Really means…
“The batteries in the remote are dead.”


(Really guys, sometimes ya just gotta listen…)

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by the office of my department head. He’s a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.

While I was in his office, I asked him, “Sir, what is the secret of your success?”

He replied, “Two words.”

“Can I ask what they are?”

Right decisions,” came the answer.

“But how do you make right decisions?”

“One word,” he responded.

“And, sir, what is that?”


“And how do you get experience?”

“Two words.”

“If I may, what are they?”

Wrong decisions.

Bonus: Today’s Thought

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. “I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs, and make more money than you,” she pointed out.

“Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,” I replied.

She looked mystified. “How do you figure?”

“I married better,” I replied with a smile.

The judge asked the defendant to stand. “You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw.”

From the back of the courtroom a man shouted out, “You liar!”

“Silence in the court!” said the judge sternly, then turned to the defendant again. “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”

“You tightwad!” blurted the spectator.

“Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

The spectator started to shout out, “You cheap son of a….”

The judge cut him off, thundering back, “Sir, I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?”

“I’ve lived next to that lying S.O.B. for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?”

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