A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”

He replied, “Call for backup!”

If I had 50 cents for every math exam I failed, I’d have $6.30 by now.

True Fact:

When Abe Lincoln grew a beard it kick started Milton Bradley’s gaming career.

Bradley was making a very good living selling a lithograph of presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln. When Lincoln decided to grow his trademark beard, Bradley quickly looked for another source of income and developed the precursor to the “Game of Life” board game.

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Bonus Fact:

Lincoln grew the beard as a result of a letter from an 11-year-old girl who suggested that he might get more votes if he grew a beard because his face was so thin.

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Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a bench in the park, when one turned to the other and said, “Bill, I’m 83 years old now, and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

Bill replied, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really?!” the first man exclaimed. “Like a newborn baby?”

“Yep. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I’m pretty sure I just soiled myself.”


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Reading TIDBITS on a Girder

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Where there’s a will… there’s a relative.

Don’t spend $2.00 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.

They’ll clean it, put it on a hanger, and the next morning you can buy it back for 50 cents.

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack was not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he might have done something inappropriate.

He had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirin tablets next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them there was a single red rose!

Jack sat up and saw his clothing laid out, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He took the aspirin and wandered into the bathroom, which was also spotless.

He cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Jack then noticed a sticky note hanging on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red ink with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick. The note read, “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbled into the kitchen, also perfectly clean, and sure enough, there was a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him.

His son was sitting at the table eating, so Jack asked, “Son… uh… do you know what happened last night?”

The boy replied, “Well, you came home after 3:00 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway. You got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, Jack asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? Why do I have a rose as well as breakfast waiting for me on the table?”

The son replies, “Oh that! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!'”


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